4 Reasons Why Keeping Secrets Can Damage A Relationship 1. Secrets have definitely been the key element for many couples' breakups, which is why the closer you get with your woman, the more you should reveal about yourself. Check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. While a high level of honesty and openness is healthy in a committed relationship, there are times when keeping something to yourself can actually be kinder, smarter, or better for everyone. Two of the most common reasons that people are dishonest (overtly or covertly) is that they don’t want to lose their partners or hurt them; or both. Should I tell her I have herpes? All rights reserved. Rachel, a 31-year-old woman living in Oakland, California, admits that she’s always been a flirt. A few little secrets won’t hurt anything, right? “This is especially true when they start leading to behaviors such as lying, cheating, or putting one’s self and/or others at risk.”. If you are leaning toward keeping your secret, make sure you take into account how this creates distance in your relationship (even if only in a small way) – is it a problem? “My husband is aware that I’m like this, and he knows I would, act on it — so I never feel the need to tell him when I engage in these little flirtations, which I consider harmless.”, According to relationship and wellbeing coach, , these kinds of flirtations usually don’t warrant a big, emotional conversation. While we all keep little secrets from time to time — and, since we’re being honest, tell lies — it can be difficult to know when disclosing the truth is important, and when it’s best to keep our lips sealed. owen on December 03, 2018: i like you speach. It’s hard and can sometimes be hurtful. “Secrets can make one feel overburdened, guilty, or dishonest, and these feelings are best examined with the help of a professional,” she says. The most likely outcome of coming clean about these types of things, according to Melamed, is that you and your partner will grow closer and learn to communicate better. The lies and reasons become a habit and you might even want to question if this is a real relationship. They deserve to know about it not just on an emotional level, but also a physical one — when you engage in a sexual relationship with another person, you’re automatically putting them at risk for STIs. The answers to these questions are not simple and there is no single response that fits all situations. If you decide to disclose your secret to your partner, then think about the best way to do this, anticipate the possible responses, and consider the best ways to handle those responses. All People are Liars. hahaa. or even flirting seem like obvious secrets to question keeping from your partner, other types of secrets are a little harder to unpack. There is no denying how the sense of adventure resulting from a secret relationship makes it more euphoric than any other relationship when it starts. that has found that keeping secrets is associated with worse health and a lowered sense of wellbeing. “Get an outside opinion on why or how [this is happening] with a therapist or coach,” suggests Melamed. Should I tell her I snooped? When you feel stuck in a negative mindset, you may need to force yourself to do things that can help you pull out of it. Pain can upend every aspect of our lives, but there's a field of psychology that can help. Sarah, a 32-year-old woman living in Oregon, says that for her, even keeping so-called harmless secrets from her partner can feel like a huge burden. If you kissed someone else, had sex with them, or are engaging in an emotional relationship that you’re well aware is far from platonic, it’s important to let your partner in on it. Depends on the secret. The truth is that yes, some secrets are okay in your relationship. WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. You may not want to keep the charade going, which could lead to you feeling jealous, depressed, lonely, and insecure. Not the healthiest activity, but it's perfectly OK not to admit … In this circumstance, ask yourself: Am I being respectful of him or her? Keeping a relationship secret is no joke. Learn More. If we keep secrets and lies, we risk damaging that foundation of trust. © 2005 - 2019 WebMD LLC. In fact, some secrets are absolutely necessary to tell your spouse in order to have a healthy and vibrant relationship. You also have the right to spend some time alone and with only yourself. We'd like to set analytics cookies to help us count visits, see how visitors move around the site, and know where website visitors originate. You actually had a crush on his best friend first. More info on cookies and providers we use. of your relationship are. . Some people believe they need to keep secrets or lie to survive in a relationship. “You absolutely have to confess to your partner when you have done something to compromise their health, their livelihood, or your family,” Melamed says. She is dedicated to helping people understand themselves and what they need to do to become emotionally and psychologically healthy. Most fundamental to any close relationship is good communication. If you’re OK with keeping secrets from your partner that they don’t really need to know — like when you smile at an attractive stranger — that’s just fine. "If you are keeping secrets from your partner, that's a yellow flag," Garrett told HuffPost Australia. By. Best to you, going forward. Whether it's a little or a lot, if you're living with your partner or you have combined finances, they need to know how… Secrets like you cheated, or did something stupid are not the secrets to keep. If these thoughts or behaviors are negatively impacting your relationship, however, it may be worth examining why you’re engaging in them at all. If you watched season 2 of HBO’s hit series, “Big Little Lies,” this summer, you know what kind of toll keeping a whopper of a secret can take on one’s. If you’re in a relationship or getting into a relationship that your partner wants to keep secret, it’s important for you to be fully aware of what that might mean, both for the relationship and for you. Blogs are not reviewed by a WebMD physician or any member of the WebMD editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. And if this line seems blurry to you — maybe you and your partner are in an open relationship, for example — it is, at the very least, important that you make sure you’re in agreement about what the rules of your relationship are. The truth about keeping secrets in a relationship is also tied to trust. Your History Of Mental Illness. If your partner does not know something important that might change how they think or feel about you, then they are not really with YOU. Relationships are a bond between two people built on a foundation of trust. Has he said, and will he not do it? These opinions do not represent the opinions of WebMD. “Why not tell your partner that you bought something expensive and you feel you really needed that item to satisfy a need? “I hate feeling like I have to hide something from him, or worry that he’ll discover my secret at any moment and I’ll have to explain myself. Keeping a relationship a secret may be exciting at first, but over time, it could become a problem. She is the author of Bouncing Back from Rejection and Insecure in Love. But some secrets aren’t. Matt Garrett of Relationships Australia says wanting to keep things secret from your significant other -- depending on what the secret is -- could be a sign of trouble in the first place. Well, yes and no. Hi, I agree that a few secrets can be kept for maintaining peace in a relationship. You still stalk your ex on social media. If nations decide to keep secrets on Covid19 and their citizens continue to perish, does it make any sense at all? Ask yourself whether you are really being respectful of them – of their right to know this and decide for themselves how to proceed. The Bible is not very flattering to us as it says “God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Trust is a very important factor in relationships. If your dishonesty or avoidance is based in not wanting to hurt your partner, consider how they would feel if they found out that you are hiding this information. For me, I do not keep any secrets from my partner. Enjoyed a lot! The main takeaway? Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on WebMD. For some, it may look exciting at first but over time, the secrecy becomes boredom. If the answer is yes, you’re keeping a secret. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. They deserve to know about it not just on an emotional level, but also a physical one — when you engage in a sexual relationship with another person, you’re automatically putting them at risk for. As a rule, keeping secrets mean that you don`t trust to your partner and that can destroy the relationships. Dr. Becker-Phelps is a licensed psychologist in NJ and NY, and is on staff at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, Somerset. They are with who they think you are. However, there are some basic ways of approaching relationships that can be very helpful. “It’s probably not necessary to tell your partner about every person you smile at or find attractive, or even a time when something reminds you of an, If you kissed someone else, had sex with them, or are engaging in an emotional relationship that you’re well aware is far from platonic, it’s important to let your partner in on it. They lack confidence in their ability to confront unpleasant topics, such as money troubles, or issues related to past or present errors in judgment or mistakes. If you watched season 2 of HBO’s hit series, “Big Little Lies,” this summer, you know what kind of toll keeping a whopper of a secret can take on one’s mental health. 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